#( ft. julian. )

[abnvrmals]

HE HAS BEEN ON EDGE lately and there is no real reason why. No tangible one, at least. None that he understands, and that is nothing new. There are entirely years of his life that feel like a dream, like the memory is hidden just out of reach. Regardless, he tries to ignore it, which is probably why he has indulged in a break, a rarity in and of itself. He’s sitting outside the office, book opened in front of him, eyes running across the pages until he hears the sound of the bell above the door. Perhaps he is old fashioned for even having one, but it doesn’t make a difference. “Just a second.” He’s calling from the open doorway, unaware of the absolute shit show he’s about to walk into. Well, maybe shit show wasn’t the word for it. It was the living, breathing, reason for the broken heart that still beat so agonizingly steady in his chest. 

@gldcnsins​

[kitlcuis]

Do you want kids? Why?

“ yes! yes, yes!! but also like… no? i mean, first of all, i don’t know how we’d procure one since we are both very broke and i really can’t see either of us sleeping with a woman. secondly, i’ve seen trainspotting and while i don’t think our lifestyle is nearly on that level, i also don’t think it’s necessarily the right vibe for a child, you know? like jax was saying, i’m kind of always fucked up… oops? for now, i think i’m just happy being julian’s baby. besides, i’d get much too jealous of someone else being held and carried and given piggyback rides! ” ( @juliivn , @jaxbyers )

[kitlcuis]

do YOU think jax had a point? does julian leave you alone too often?

“ i think jax thinks he had a point. like, from his perspective it kinda makes sense! and it’s sweet that he cares so much. julian doesn’t leave me alone, though. he works! i think maybe it’s my fault for being unemployed and easily bored? julian’s putting in an unconventional 9 to 5 and i’m the idle housewife popping percocet and oxy while i wait for him to come home. it’s hardly his fault we need to make coin, sweetheart! ” ( @jaxbyers @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

Your fiancé is kind of terrifying. Are you sure you still wanna marry him??? You hear things in the bathroom at that winter wonderland ball........ just sayin

“ yes he is terrifying, isn’t it hot?! not that i approve of him threatening my friends or getting into testosterone fueled verbal pissing contests but i’m still sure i want to marry him, yeah. he’s my everything. what happens in the bathroom at the winter wonderland ball stays in the bathroom at the winter wonderland ball! ” ( @juliivn & @jaxbyers )

[kitlcuis]

what do you think your life be like if you hadn't met julian?

“ i don’t mean to paraphrase that philosopher guy but it’d definitely be solitary, poor, nastier, brutish – i don’t know what that one means – and short. very short. i woulda gotten into trouble somehow and i definitely wouldn’t be planning a wedding so i’d say my life is much improved thanks to him. ” ( @juliivn )

[abnvrmals]

HE SAID NO. The weight of the decision he had made for the both of them when he had turned down Julian’s request, it was one that was currently threatening to crush his shoulders. The realization in it hit him full force when he was home, alone, running through the list of ways that this could have, that this should have, ended. The man was fresh out of the shower, staring at the tattoo that was etched into his skin, recalling the memory of receiving it. It was his way of commemorating the love that still hadn’t left him, the love that he’d died for, for decades. The owl was gorgeous, right over where heart was still beating in his chest. 

He was so distracted with his own hurt, he hadn’t even noticed when the tears had started. His cheeks were wet with what he assumed was the last time they would say goodbye. It hurt, it hurt to know that he would never be privy to the smile that had been his literal last string - the one thing that had gotten him though, and he had turned it away. A steep inhale, practically choking as bottom lip trembled, a hand reaching up to wipe at his face furiously when he heart the knock at the door. It was late, and he was a victim of his own emotions, a moment he didn’t want to share with anyone. But, that dream was just as crushed as he had been, 

A sigh is forced past lips. “Just a minute.” Still shaking voice calls from the bathroom ,stepping out into the bedroom. Shirt is pulled over his head, sweatpants already hanging a little bit low on the line of his hips, until finally he’s pulling the door open. Surprise, and the instant need to hide those emotions seizes him, when he registers Julian standing there. He doesn’t know where to start, or what to say, not yet ... so he just, stares at his favorite past, and what was once, and probably still is his only future. @gldcnsins​

[kitlcuis]

why do you think julian’s gone MIA on you?

“i really don’t know. maybe he’s finding another supplier and they’re a bit further away? i’m sure it’s all fine.”

[kitlcuis]

don't you think it's a little suspicious that you're being ghosted by julian at the same time jax waltzes back into your life?

“what are you... trying to imply? i doubt jax would ask about julian if he had anything to do with julian being, uh, busy.” // @jaxbyers

[kitlcuis]

is there a line julian could cross that would make you leave him?

“ genuinely, no. this might be problematic or whatever but that’s my man. my ride or die. he could kill a man and i’d be like, cool babe, where’s the body? i’ll help! the only thing that will make me leave julian is if julian wants me to leave. plain and simple. so long as he still loves me, that’s where i wanna be. ” ( @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

what's the farthest you've ever been from home?

“ right now! or actually, wait, maybe florida? i don’t know math or distances and i’m not gonna look it up but anywhere here on the very east coast is super far away from cali, i think! and my julian and i roadtripped all along the coast before we crashed here. ” ( @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

please don't pine over julian you're too good for that

“pine? that’s my.... i mean, we’re going to get married?”

[kitlcuis]

when it comes to julian what is your greatest fear?

“isn’t everyone’s greatest fear that the love of their life will die?”

[kitlcuis]

what part of planning your wedding are you most excited about?

“ lame as it might sound, i’m most excited just to pick the date. this is the man i want to marry and while, sure, looking at flowers and venues and cakes is fun and all, i don’t need to spend a lot of money or add a lot of frills for that day to be amazing. i just need that day to get here already; it’s when i’m going to become mx. julian nilsson. that alone makes it the greatest day of my life. so, yeah, the date. ” ( @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

Favorite memory from 2018?

“ the night i got engaged, of course! ” ( @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

are you completely over all your exes?

“ i mean, i’m not interested in him romantically at all, if that’s what you mean by over. i’ve only had just one ex before julian and he… wasn’t good to me. what i have now is better than what i’ve ever had before. but, like, i’m not over him in the sense that i sometimes think about the things he’d say or do? i sometimes have nightmares or get a bit distant with julian even though i don’t mean to. it’s really hard to get over someone who dated you during your formative teen years and did you so wrong, you know? ” ( @juliivn )

[kitlcuis]

do you love yourself as much as you love julian?

“ i love julian more than anything in this entire world. i guess that includes myself but don’t tell him that. i think it’ll make him sad. ” ( @juliivn )